Monday, January 28, 2008

dot dot dot

Apparently, I like using dot dot dot’s (…) a lot.  I would definitely say I’m a fan of the dot dot dot’s, and I’m not ashamed to admit it.  I find them very useful in expressing…uh…whatever I need expressed I guess. 


Like ‘em!!!
Also, I enjoy the triple exclamation…



Posted by "J" at 18:13:26 | Permalink | No Comments »

Another piece of the grieving puzzle…

As I mentioned in a previous post, my beautiful grandmother left this earth last year in October.  I was on the other side of the ocean when she crossed through the veil that is life, so I was unable to be there for her official “earthly body” send off.  I was devastated not to be with her and with my family when all of this was taking place.  This wonderful and amazing lady is my grandmother…the only grandparent I have ever known.  I am so honored to be her (only) granddaughter.  That doesn’t make me any more special than her other grandchildren, she loved us all equally and abundantly, but grandmothers and granddaughters have a special “all-knowing” relationship.  My grandmother knew me.  She knew me well, she knew all of us well.   One look told me that she knew exactly what I was thinking, and exactly what she thought about what I was thinking.  I am like her and I am so thankful for that. She was a free spirit. She had talent and creativity in her being, some of which she shared with the world and some she kept inside the quiet of her heart for her own sake.  She was breathtaking.  She was strong, in so many ways.  She was as to -the-point as they come and didn’t believe that bushes deserved the time to be beat around.  We had very similar temperaments, especially in the quick-temper department.  But, oh, she was kind, the kindest and loveliest lady.  She loved.  She loved with all her heart, and she was loved…greatly.  She was fair, but not harsh and never cruel.  She was brilliant in so many ways…her eyes, her smile, her mind, her heart, her words, her laugh, her wit…just brilliant.  She was my star.  She was a happy place to me.  She was my friend. She was my grandmother.  I love being her granddaughter. I will always be her granddaughter.


I was told about her passing on Sunday, October 14th, although she had passed on the 12th.  I knew she was gone from her earthly body before anyone ever had to tell me.   My mother  confirmed what my spirit already knew  about my grandmother’s death on the phone in the lobby of the Best Western Beijing…China…I had my sunglasses on my head, and they came down to hide tears that were flowing like I’ve never experienced before.  I instantly ached to my core, and my breath escaped me.  My heart hurt, my heart was broken. I missed her so terribly, and she’d only really been gone to me a few minutes.   A rush of emotions came over my being and I couldn’t express in a reaction what I needed to express.  And I was in China…away from my mother and father, away from my family, away from comforting arms that had been there since the beginning of my life, away from holding and kissing my grandmother’s body and wishing her a fond farewell from this earth…away.  [I am so thankful to God for the comfort given me by my wonderful fiance and my new family during this difficult time.  They cried with me, held me and loved me which helped immensely].  Still, my mind was trying to conceive of the the quickest, fastest and most effective way of getting to New Brunswick, Canada from Beijing, China in an hour.   That was not to be, but not because I wouldn’t have exhausted every possible way of making it happen, but because my grandmother told me before I left to enjoy China to the fullest.   So, I would.  


I decided right there, on the phone with my mom, that I needed to write her a letter.  I would send it via email to my mother’s email account so that it could go into the casket that would house her earthly body (not her spirit, never her spirit), and something of my own would be with her when I couldn’t be.  So, I sat down at the business office of the hotel and began to write.  While writing, I sobbed, while sobbing, I remembered, while remembering, I smiled.  What a gift this woman was to me, my beautiful grandmother.  I finished my letter, and reread and edited several times, because I didn’t want any imperfections in my letter to my grandmother.  I realized, I’m full of imperfections, and so was the coffin she was in, and so was her earthly body. I then realized that my now PERFECT grandmother knows that I love her and that she is waiting for me, someday, to be leave this earth, when my time comes, and go to become perfect with her in Heaven.  Imperfections are earthly, and since I’m still here on earth, it was ok.  It was a peace that I have never really experienced before and it released me from worry and unrest in myself during that time.  So, I released the email out into the world wide web for my mother to receive.   

She received it the next morning, which was the day of my grandmother’s funeral.  She read the letter, and then read it to her sisters, and then gave it to the Reverend who was doing the service.  He read it, and decided in his heart that it would be a most fitting eulogy, and more fitting than anything he could ever have said.  So, I had the privilege of eulogizing my beautiful and wonderful grandmother while being thousands of miles away.  I didn’t know this was happening.  I just assumed the letter would go into the casket.  I am so happy and grateful that it did happen.   The Reverend asked my mother if she felt this would be alright with me, and my mother, being a kindred spirit to my spirit, said yes, absolutely. What an amazing and intuitive mother I have. I am so blessed to have someone who knows my heart so well.  I was there, with my grandmother, with everyone, saying goodbye.  What a special feeling. It helped to know that, in a way, I was there.
So, this was the eulogy at my grandmother’s funeral.   A simple letter meant for her casket was her farewell speech, in a sense, her “official” send off.   I am so thankful.












A letter for Nanni…


“I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine”…  Song of Solomon 6:3

To my dearest Grandmother,      

I am writing this letter to you from Beijing, China.  You would not believe the sites I am seeing, Nanni - it is truly remarkable.  Although I wish you could see what I am seeing here, I know you are seeing it ALL, from a different view now…     


I wanted to write to tell you how much I am going to miss having you here on earth with me…in body.  I know you will always be with me, though, because I carry you in my heart, and my heart has so many wonderful memories…this is how you will always be with me.  I am so much a part of you as you are a part of me.  I am so like you, Nanni, in so many ways, and for that I will be forever grateful.  I remember seeing a picture of you when you were just a teenager…I looked just like you…and I was so proud!  You are so beautiful! Always were, always will be.  I can’t even imagine you now - you will be such a stunning angel.    

I miss you.
   
I never use the word hate, Nanni, you know that.  But, I can honestly say, I hate cancer.  But not for the reason you might think.  I know that it is not cancer that took your life on earth away.  I know that it was just your time to go, and that cancer was the instrument used to take you.  God’s will is perfect, so I know it’s ok…I am happy you fought though Nanni.  Thank you for being so brave.  You didn’t lose - you won.  I’m so at peace because I know you are ok now.  Thank you for that peace.    

I will miss so many things about you that were evident here on earth.  Your laugh for one.  Nanni, you have the best laugh.  I can still hear it, plain as day.  It was a most excellent and infectious laugh.  I’ll miss the way you perched your mouth when you weren’t sure about something.  That was an unmistakable look, and a classic Enid trait.  I love it!  I’ll miss your “snapping eyes” or what Bradley and I lovingly referred to as “Enid Eyes”…they got your attention in a hurry, let me tell you!  I’ll miss your hugs, your hands - you have such beautiful hands…I’ll just miss you Nanni, and I always will.  But I will remember you with nothing but happiness, love and joy, because I know where you are is…Heaven.  Where there is no sadness…but I am envious of the angels, because they will get to sit and have tea with you until I get there.       

Thank you Nanni.  Thank you for your wisdom and direction throughout my life.  Thank you for your understanding.  Thank you for your discipline and caring hand.  Thank you for your love and devotion as a grandmother to Bradley and I…you were the only one we ever knew…and you were more than enough.  I am so very honoured to be your granddaughter.  If someday I am even half the woman, mother and grandmother you have been, I will count myself very fortunate.  Thank you for the precious gift of my mother.  You did a wonderful job! She is amazing, and my wonderful aunts are amazing, as are you.  You are so amazing Nanni. I am so blessed by you.  Thank you for guiding my father throughout the years as well, and being a second mother to him.  Thank you for being you Nanni…amazing, wonderful, loving, beautiful you…     

You are rejoicing with Grampie now, and so many others, and what a celebration that must be.  I will be there with you someday to celebrate in God’s time, but for now, just know that I carry you with me.  I carry you in my heart.  Where I go, you go.  I felt your hand today, as I was walking down the street.  And I saw you on the plane, flying into Hong Kong…I woke up and looked to the seat beside me, and you perched your mouth and gave me a wave with those beautiful hands…”I’m coming with you, Jilly”…come with me everywhere, Nanni, we’ll see the world together.  I’m taking you with me, I’m carrying you in my heart, now and for always.  When I get married, you’ll be with me. When I have my babies, you’ll be there.  When I grow old and gray and am ready to come and be with you, you’ll be there to usher me in.  I’m so happy you met Desmond.  He’ll be there too! You can usher him in too! 

I miss you, Nanni.  I love you forever and for always.  No goodbye’s, just see you later.
Until we meet again, and we will. 

Your loving granddaughter,
Jillian
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo 
Posted by "J" at 07:18:09 | Permalink | No Comments »

Sunday, January 27, 2008

What my tea told me…

I know what you’re thinking, or possibly what you could be thinking or maybe you are not thinking this at all…anyway, moving on… I do not  read tea or tea leaves, although I’m sure if I did, they would regale me with tales of unicorns and dragons and dancing pussywillows as only tea leaves can.  No, I am talking about my Yogi Tea, which I am dedicated to drinking every morning.  I have a variety of Yogi green tea’s, from goji berry to the special blend.  I do so enjoy my tea.  This particular brand of tea comes with daily mantra’s on the end of the tea bag string.  Today, it was “Say it straight, simple and with a smile”.  I like that.  Don’t  exploit a sentence with unnecessary words  and expressions, just say what you have to say and say it with a pleasant heart.  It makes sense, and is itself a most assertive and true sentence.


It is a blustery day here in Edmonton.  It is snowing, not hard, but the wind is blowing with such force that the snow seems impossible.  It is blinding at times.  The boy, my dad and I went for Dim Sum with my future in-laws this morning.  It was my father’s first dim sum experience and he quite enjoyed it.  The more people I introduce to dim sum, the more reason I have to go, so if you’re ever in Edmonton (or are currently in Edmonton)  and want to try dim sum, I am more than willing to be the first person you try it with.  You, whoever you are.  If you want a little more information on the yumminess that is dim sum, look it up on Wikipedia.  I love Wikipedia, and I love saying Wikipedia, and, apparently, enjoy writing the word Wikipedia.  

You know what song creeps me out, but also, at the same time, is just a really  great song…Crimson and Clover by Tommy James and the Shondells.  I’m not sure why, but it makes me think of The Wolfman, the DJ from the Hilarious House of Frightenstein - a Canadian television show from the 70’s.  I remember really digging the show at the time, and I’d probably  still enjoy it,  but for whatever reason, The Wolfman freaked me out when he danced in front of the psychedelic screen.   Possibly I don’t think the two should mix, because I like psychedelic but I don’t like wolfmen, but I did like The Wolfman DJ, or possibly it was a really confusing time, I think…I can’t remember.  Anyway, this is a tangent. Moving on.

I think I have to pack.  No, I don’t think.  I definitely have to pack.  I leave in two days for Mexico, and packing is inevitable.  I’m putting it off because I really am not a good packer of suitcases.  The boy is a tremendous packer of suitcases, I envy his ability.  Maybe, someday, I’ll create a device that enables me to suck his packing ability out of his body, while still leaving him some packing ability, because I don’t want to have to pack his bags for him when he does a perfectly fine job of it now.  Maybe, just maybe.  I am not good at packing because I always pack far too much…far far too much.   I’m an excessive packer, and I think there should be a help group for people like me…maybe there is…memo to me - google that later…So after all that (sorry) I’m going to attempt to pack in a non-excessive way.   I will pack lightly, or may I be smitten by 100 chocolate bars falling from the sky and landing in my general vicinity while at  the park on a nice summer’s day when I’m there reading.  

So, with that.  I have to pack.

LLL (Live, Love, Laugh)




Posted by "J" at 23:23:14 | Permalink | No Comments »

This was an email…

This was a special email that I wrote and sent out in a mass email to everyone on my contact list, and then some. It was an email written on behalf of my grandmother when she was sick. Since I’m journeying through the grieving process for my grandmother, I thought I just might want to post it…and so I did.





Hi Everyone,

 

First of all, let me say, this is not a forwarded email, it is neither junk mail nor spam, it’s actually just simply from me, Jillian. It is rather long, I know, but in my opinion, worth the read, and it isn’t necessary to reply, although feel free if you like… This email is being sent to you in the form of a request, not for myself, but for someone very special to me. If you believe in the power of prayer and positive thinking, then please continue to read on…  
Her name is Enid, and she’s my grandmother. She is a wonderful lady, mother, grandmother and friend. She has an amazing spirit and incredible strength and she is currently battling for her life against cancer of pancreas. The purpose of this email is to engage as many people as I can in sending good energy, positive thoughts and prayer her way. I know, to some, it sounds crazy - but I truly believe in miracles, and I believe, beyond all reason, that she can be healed of this horrible disease.  
A little background history on Enid Tracy, my “Nanni”… She was born in Fredericton Junction, New Brunswick in 1932. She was raised in Tracy, a small village of no real consequence to anyone (although basesball legend Babe Ruth visited it many a time for hunting and fishing - true story!). She had two younger siblings whom she practically raised from the age of 10 on. She was married at age 17 to my grandfather, Allan Tracy. About a year or so after they were married, my wonderful mother, Valerie, came along, and within 5 years, three more girls were added to the Tracy clan - 4 girls…you can imagine the state my grandfather was in! In the early 1950’s, my grandparents, along with my mom and her sisters, lived throughout the northern part of Maine, USA before finally resettling in Tracy, where they stayed. My grandmother worked as the post master in the local mail office for quite some time. In 1973, she lost her husband Allan (her true love - direct quote) to a massive heart attack, becoming a widow at the age of 41. She never remarried. She continued afterwards to raise her girls and support them in everything, and then, eventually, her grandchildren. She supported and eventually took care of her aging mother for nearly 25 years, with an unselfish and kind heart.  
My great grandmother passed away in 2004, and I thought to myself “now she can have her time to live, travel, and do whatever she wants” She was completely active, healthy and mobile…and then in the summer of 2006, she started feeling ill…They did tests, and they showed nothing was wrong, but still, she gradually started getting worse. Finally in January of this year, they discovered she had diabetes. We thought that was the worst of it, and that she would recover when they started her on the correct medication. We were wrong. In June of this year, they discovered a tumor on her pancreas, as well as deposits on her lungs and liver.  
I am determined this cancer will not win, not without a fight! As I was saying before, I believe in prayer and miracles. I also believe that God hears and directs positive thoughts and energy towards those that need them most (sometimes referred to as blessings!). 
So I suppose, this is what I’m asking… If you are out walking and sun is shining, the wind is blowing a soft breeze, causing the leaves to rustle, and this brings you alive inside, send a little of that on to my grandmother…if you pass by a bakery and the smell of the freshly baked pastries gives you a warm feeling inside, send some of that onto my grandmother…if sipping on a nice cup of coffee or tea brings a smile to your face, send a bit of that smile onto Enid…if you pray regularly, send blessings her way…if you meditate, send some of the calm you experience on to her…if you get an adrenaline rush from doing something that’s insane but makes you happy, send her some!!…She can use it, all of it. Cancer attacks the body, and the medicine we use to fight it weakens the body even more but, even through all this, our bodies have healthy cells and untouched areas, and I believe these good thoughts and good energies can help strengthen her body and the healthy cells she has left.  
I believe in the power of God and the healing power of His Son, Jesus Christ…that is what I believe, and it is something I have trusted since I was just a little girl. You, whoever you are, may have different beliefs then I…we don’t have to have the same beliefs to accomplish a common goal. Faith comes in many, many forms, that much I know…I guess all that I am asking is that whatever good thoughts or feelings you have from time to time, that if you could just send some of that goodness her way…it would be so appreciated…  
I very recently became engaged, and so I have to tell you, this email is for slightly selfish reasons as well, because I want her to dance at my wedding and so I refuse to give up!!! If someone else out there is going through something similar and they need some good and positve thoughts let me know - I’ve got enough good thoughts and prayers to go around and still send lots on to my Nanni. Otherwise, there is no need to reply to this email.  
Just believe, believe in the abilities we’ve been given as human beings to make changes happen, good changes and positive changes, whether it’s through our actions on a daily basis or our attitudes towards life’s various circumstances. We choose what we put out into the universe, and it does come back to us!  
So I’ll start…I LOVE YOU NANNI!!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!! GO ENID GO!!! 
Thanks for reading, everyone!Pass this along to anyone you think would be on board to send out some good vibes and positive thoughts!God Bless!

PS…just an example of sending some good stuff her way…I put on Barenaked Ladies the other night…the song, Enid (my cousins, my brother and I used to lip sync that to her)…I jumped around like a mad woman throughout the entire song…no rhythym, no rhyme…just jumpin’…telling the air how much I love her and then blowing it east…and I’d do it again!…and I probably will…Be the change you want to see in the world!
Posted by "J" at 08:41:14 | Permalink | No Comments »

So this is blogging…

Indeed! This is somewhat exciting for me! I like the idea of just writing whatever is going on in a day of the life…so let’s just get right into the thick of things, shall we…


Today was a bit of a long day, although it was (somewhat) productive.  It started at around 8:40ish this morning when I received a surprising, albeit more than welcome, call from my aunt in New Brunswick (my home province).  She was calling to tell me that she had saved some of the flowers from my (most beloved) grandmother’s funeral.  She saved them, thinking I might like to use them in my wedding later this year.  What an thoughtful aunt I have!  She is so right! I’m so happy she saved them.  I’m thinking what I might do with some of them is have them sewn into the hem of my wedding gown.  

Side note:  My grandmother, who is THE MOST amazing woman I’ve ever met in real life, aside from my most awesome mother, passed away from her earthly body in October of last year.  I was visiting China at the time, and was unable to be home for her passing and her funeral.  NOTE TO SELF - try not to be on the other side of the planet when things like that happen. I can only say that there is nothing like the embrace of my momma. Actually, my blog page is an ode to my grandmother. Her name is Enid.  She is just wonderful and I miss her everyday, but am so thankful to know that she is in the happiest and best place ever.  It’s funny.  I was just telling my mom that I don’t think I’ve properly grieved for her loss here on earth, and I feel this mainly because I wasn’t able to be there for the last few precious days of her life, or her funeral, and because I’ve realized that I am still really angry that she is not here.  Angry at who or what, I’m not sure, just angry. For whatever reason, I just really believed that she was supposed to be here for another twenty years. I pleaded, begged and argued so often to have her stay here with me, but God’s will is perfect, as is His timing.  So although I still question why (because, hey, I’m human), in my heart and in my mind, I know she is where she is supposed to be. Still, it would have been my heart’s first desire to have her here with me (in person) when I get married in August, but I know she will be there, and I will know and feel she’s there.  She is just wonderful, and I’m sure she is absolutely WOWING Heaven and it’s hosts.  

Any-which-way-besides-north - after chatting with my aunt for a few, I got up and came out to say Good Morning! to my dad. He is staying here in Edmonton with me for a little while on business/pleasure. He’s always up at the crack of dawn - he’s like a frickin’ rooster, except quieter.  I think he’s really enjoying it here, which makes me happy because he might frequent it often, and since I am here, and my brother is here…well, that would just be swell!  He was just getting ready to take some friends who are visiting from New Brunswick out antique shopping.  I so wished I could have joined them because I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE antique shopping, but I had other obligations this morning, so I said good-bye and wished him a happy and safe day.  He told me he would look for a treasure that was crazy-gawdy for me because he knows how much I dig that stuff. After saying good-bye, I had to away to our rental property to show it to some prospective tenants.  Can I just say - I really dislike no-shows. Booooo!  The thing is, the house is absolutely adorable! So, I’m just praying that the right people come along to rent it…who knows, maybe it’ll be my parents.  Weeeeee! 

After “not” showing the house, I went to pick up a TH’s double-double for my lovey.  He so looks forward to his coffee on a late Saturday morning.  I look forward smelling it on the way to bringing it to him.  I’m not a coffee drinker, but I am a coffee sniffer, and I’m ok with that. Don’t judge - coffee sniffers are people too!  Enyvay…we decided we would go and grab some movies for a “date night”.  I love date nights!  We rented two. The first one we watched was The Last Legion.  I don’t know that I would recommend it, but I don’t know that I wouldn’t - see for yourselves, I suppose. However, it did have Colin Firth as the lead actor, and I do so LOVE the idea of that man. The second one is The Waitress.  We didn’t end up watching that one right away because the second half of our date night consisted of Rock Band! Double Weeeee! It’s a lot of fun, especially because we get so stupidly into it.  So, I’m looking forward to another date night where we can watch The Waitress - it’s a week long rental, so we’ve got time. However, we’re in the midst of getting ready to go to Mexico for a week, so we really don’t have a lot of time to watch it. I am ridiculously looking forward to this trip! Rest, relaxation and SUN! Where did it go!!!??? To Mexico, and so, I must follow for I dearly love the sun.  Plus, it will just be splendid to be with my lovey and have time to think of wedding plans, future plans and not have other things/issues trying to push them out, and, of course, have some lovely fruity drinks while lounging, because what is life without a fruity drink in hand…ha ha…I kid, I’m not that trivial, I promise, just really good at denying reality…some refer to that as ignorance, I prefer to call “tactic number one for staying out of an insane asylum”.  

So now, I’m blogging…and listening to the beautiful sounds of the Bill Evans Trio.  

It’s a beautiful life and I can’t wait for the rest of it.  What a wonderful journey this life-idea is.  We’re reminded so often of how fragile it is, from the tragedy in Bathurst, New Brunswick, to war and famine all over the world, and even with the recent death of the young talent, Heath Ledger.  It serves to remind us that the balance of everything lies in the loving and merciful Hands of our Father, and we don’t know the plans He has for us, but we trust in HIM who has saved us from death.  I just can’t wait to live each minute, each hour, each day, however many there may be.  What a dream, what a life.

Thanks for reading! There will be more, likely sporadically written, because, believe it or not, my schedule can get pretty hectic!  They may not always be this long, and, with that, could be 10x longer.  They will get more interesting, or possibly not…after all, this is my first one. If you get bored, stop reading. If you’re interested - comment and continue reading. If you don’t really care - try caring, it’s a good feeling.  

Live Love and Laugh!!!


Posted by "J" at 08:30:12 | Permalink | Comments (1) »